How to help your child build a winning mentality in football

Every parent on the touchline has seen it. A misplaced pass, a missed chance, and suddenly their child's head drops for the rest of the game. Talent and training only take a young player so far. How they think about the game does a lot of the rest.

When Gabriel from Athlete Mentality joined us on Project Footballer, we wanted to get practical about that. Gabriel grew up in Brazil wanting to play professionally, playing for teams from the age of eight. He started studying the mental side of the game at 18 to help his own performance, stopped playing at around 20 and now works with athletes as a mental trainer. Alongside Sean and Rob, he talked through what parents can actually do to help their children build confidence, cope with mistakes and enjoy the game for longer.

Why the early years matter

Most of Gabriel's work is with older teenagers and young adults, but he was clear that the foundations are laid much earlier. Younger children aren't usually aware of the mental side, or motivated to work on it, so in his view the job falls mainly to parents: what they model, what they praise and what they help their child to think.

His argument is that habits formed in childhood are much easier to build than to change later. Rob compared it to studying - it gets far more serious at 18 or 19, but you need the basics in place first. Young children don't need adult levels of detail - just the base.

Visualisation, made fun

Gabriel described visualisation as probably the most useful mental tool an athlete has, and something most players already do without being taught. Rob said he started doing it in his twenties, picturing what he was going to do before a game, and found it genuinely helped. Sean recalled lying awake the night before matches imagining what he might do the next day.

For children, Gabriel's advice was to keep it light. Kids are naturally good at imagination, so rather than giving lots of instructions, give them small pieces of information - for example, that picturing themselves doing a skill they learned today can help them get better at it - and let them try. As he put it:

"look, this is fun. Try this out. See how it goes."

Sean suggested one way a parent might build it up over a few weeks: sitting together in the park, asking the child to close their eyes and picture something simple, then gradually adding their pitch, their teammates and finally themselves doing something positive in a game. If they wander off after two minutes, that's fine - pick it up again next time.

Sean asked whether visualisation could tip into negative imagery. Gabriel's view was that it doesn't cause negative thinking, it tends to reflect what's already there. If a child seems to be stuck with lots of repetitive negative thoughts they can't control, he saw that as a sign that something else is going on. We'd add that if you're worried about your child's wellbeing, the right step is to speak to your GP or another qualified professional rather than trying to fix it with football techniques.

Helping with pre-match nerves

On positive affirmations, Gabriel said they can help, but only when used strategically. Simply telling yourself to be calm when you're already nervous rarely works, because the emotion is already in charge. His suggestion for players is to reframe nerves as excitement instead - telling themselves something like "I'm excited to play this game, or I love being here."

Sean pointed out that this is a lot to ask of a young child mid-wobble. Gabriel agreed. In his view, the younger the child, the more the parent needs to act almost as an external brain for the child - helping them understand what they're feeling and why, and offering them the helpful thoughts, rather than expecting them to come up with those thoughts on their own when their emotions are running high.

Praise the effort, not the scoreline

Sean brought up Carol Dweck's book Mindset, and Gabriel summarised the central idea as praising effort rather than results. Rather than focusing on the goal they scored, he suggested picking out the running, how they helped teammates, or the work they'd put in during the week:

"Your work ethic was awesome today."

His reasoning is that children who are praised for the process are more likely to focus on it, and to deal with challenges and mistakes better. He also described research he believes is cited in Dweck's book, in which children given external rewards such as paper stars for an activity they already enjoyed lost some of their own interest in it. His explanation was that the more a child focuses on the reward, the less they focus on the activity itself.

That doesn't mean banning trophies. Gabriel was realistic that medals, tests and recognition are part of life. His approach would be to talk about them openly, but to keep asking the child "how much do you love playing?" - and when they do win something, to link it back to the work and fun of the season rather than making it the biggest thing in the world.

Handling mistakes and criticism

Rob, speaking from his experience as a player and coach, said he'd noticed more players over recent years who struggle to take constructive criticism, even when it's shown to them clearly on video. Gabriel's view was that feedback is an important part of development, but how well it lands depends on the environment. A child who feels welcome, safe and cared for is far more likely to take feedback well. Facing manageable challenges early, with that support around them, is in his view how resilience gets built.

On mistakes, Gabriel argued that dwelling on them tends to make players more stressed and less committed to improving. Rob was blunter. The pain of losing on its own doesn't fix anything, he said:

"What's going to help you is understanding better, being better, technically, physically, mentally"

And on winning itself, Gabriel was clear that every athlete plays to win, but added that "the more you focus on winning, the more you fear losing" - which in his view gets in the way of concentrating on the game.

Our take

The most interesting part of the conversation was the disagreement. Sean pushed back on the idea that it's all process, arguing that emotion and caring about the result are part of what drives young players, and that some children who don't seem to care much about winning also don't put the work in. Rob and Gabriel didn't dismiss emotion - they argued it's useful only when a player knows what to do with it.

We think both sides have a point. Children should be allowed to feel gutted after a defeat and thrilled after a win - that's football. What parents can control is what happens next: whether the conversation in the car is about the scoreline or about effort, learning and enjoyment. Over a whole season, that conversation probably matters more than any single result.

What parents can do

Praise the process. Notice the running, the attitude, the help they gave teammates and the practice they put in, not just the goals.

Make visualisation a game. Keep it short and playful. Ask them to picture a skill they learned today, and don't worry if they lose interest - try again another day.

Be their external brain. When nerves hit, help them name the feeling and offer a helpful thought, such as reframing nerves as excitement, rather than expecting them to talk themselves round.

Build a safe base for feedback. Children take feedback better when they feel secure and supported. Keep post-match chats calm and short, and leave the coaching to the coach.

Keep trophies in proportion. Celebrate them, but link them back to the season's work and fun. Every so often, ask how much they love playing.

Don't dwell on mistakes. Help them move from the defeat to what they learned, and back to enjoying the next session.

Know when to get help. If your child seems persistently anxious, low or stuck in negative thinking, speak to your GP or a qualified professional.